Becoming carmaquantarot EPisode 5 – Choosing Yourself After a Lifetime of Survival

Welcome to Becoming CarmaQuanTarot.
My journey didn’t start the way you might think — it started with a search for protection instead of fear.

Today, I bring messages guided by love, light, and the highest good — not always what we want to hear, but what we need to know.

I’m your host, and I finally realized I wasn’t being followed… I was being supported.

I know I’m jumping from the past straight to today here — but this is something I need to say out loud.

I’m not scared because this won’t work.
I’m scared because I know it might.

I’ve spent most of my life surviving.
Day to day. Paycheck to paycheck. Doing what needed to be done.

And all the while, this part of me never shut the hell up.
Creating. Connecting. Seeing patterns. Knowing things before they happened.

I always knew this was in me.
I just didn’t always have room to live it.

This morning I woke up excited — like, can’t-sit-still excited.
And that’s when the anxiety hit.

Because excitement is dangerous when you’ve spent decades barely getting by.

And let me be clear — I understand energy.
I understand why growth is uncomfortable.
I understand what happens to the nervous system when you stop hiding.

Knowing something is right doesn’t mean your body is ready for it.

So I said it out loud.
Not politely. Not spiritually cute.

“I’m putting myself out here like this.
You BETTER NOT FUCKING LET ME DOWN.
You keep pushing me to do it — I’m FUCKING doing it.”

Now I am freaking out and show me a dam sign letting me know you have BACK. 

Because if I do all of this and putting myself out there and you do not show up for me .. that is fucked up ..

 so let me know NOW you got this. 

I give you permission to touch me put your hands over my eyes again it is fine. 

But you know I am an impatient bitch so I probably waited 5-10 seconds and got up.

I went in the kitchen

And that’s when this thought hit me like a slap:

What the fuck..  I have already created a whole fucking brand? 

The reason this had actually never entered my mind before was because when I started posting content I made all of my own designs and thought some of them were so beautiful

and I wanted to just find a way to print it so I could have it.  

That is when I found printify .. and it gave me the idea that I could sale shirts and candles and wall art everything I wanted with my designs on it

because in my mind

even if you cannot afford to go see a psychic medium, tarot reader or anyone like that you have to purchase gifts. 

So I decided I was going to use the money from the shop to live on and be able to help as many people as possible for free.

This mattered to me because I grew up in Southern Illinois, where I only ever heard of one medium in the entire area — and if there were more, nobody I knew ever talked about them.

Then I moved to the city, became a single parent with two kids, and still couldn’t afford to go see anyone.

To be honest, I still haven’t talked to many other mediums or tarot readers.

But my plan was simple:

I wanted to help people for free because I knew what it felt like to have no access.

My intention was great.

But what I found was that most of the people I was helping didn’t give a shit about my energy as long as I was helping them for free.

They wouldn’t buy a candle.

They wouldn’t share my shop with someone who could buy something.

Nothing.

And that’s when it hit me — you don’t build something like this by accident.

You build it because some part of you always knows, even if it takes your whole damn lifetime to step into it.

So I walked back into the living room and noticed something I have never done
In twenty-one years I lived here.

I noticed the blind I’ve never opened before was opened I have never opened it

Because when you are in front of it all you see is the neighbor’s house, so what’s the point?

I froze. The light coming in was even more amazing than usual opening that blind opened up my whole living room

I don’t care what anyone else thinks, I know I have never done this before and what I saw was amazing

And before I go any further, let me be clear about something —

I’m not here to romanticize signs or pretend every moment is some cosmic message.

I’m here to tell the truth the way I lived it.

So let’s skip the fluffy shit and get back to the real story.

Putting yourself out there after a lifetime of hiding — a lifetime of survival — is terrifying.

Not because you don’t believe in yourself —

but because you finally do.

Energy is sacred.

And choosing yourself is an energetic act.

Creation isn’t about knowing how.

It’s about saying yes before the path is clear.

I don’t know exactly how this unfolds.

I just know I’m done pretending this isn’t what I’m here to do.

If it works, it works.

If it takes time, it takes time.

If it happens long after I am dead and gone that people realize it — fine.

But I’m not shrinking anymore.

And that —

that’s where I am now.

Just trying to share what I’ve learned after taking this Reiki course, meeting my guides for the first time, learning how to communicate with them using tarot cards (which honestly saved me years of trying to learn one sign at a time), studying and certifying myself in so many different modalities, studying Joe Dispenza, taking every course on Mindvalley — over five years of studying, learning, and practicing.

I’m no longer reacting to what I lived through.

I’m finally listening to what I’m being guided toward.

And the truth is, I’ve known this path was mine ever since I read Talking to Heaven by James Van Praagh.

That book didn’t just open a door — it reminded me of something I had always known but never had the language for.

Thank you for being here — and for joining me on this journey of Becoming CarmaQuanTarot.

And remember:
Words are spells. Energy is sacred. And intention is the magic.