Becoming CarmaQuanTarot — Episode 1

Welcome to Becoming CarmaQuanTarot. My journey didn’t start the way you might think; it started with a search for protection instead of fear. Today, I work to bring you messages guided by love, light, and the highest good—not what we want to hear, but what we need to know.,. I’m your host, and I finally realized I wasn’t being followed—I was being supported.

Becoming CarmaQuanTarot did not start the way you might think.

It started with questions I’ve been asking my entire life.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve lived with experiences I couldn’t explain. I spent years searching for answers — not because I wanted to become anything, but because I needed to understand what had always been happening to me.

I wasn’t searching to find myself.

I was trying to help someone else.

A close family member was going through cancer, and I felt an overwhelming need to understand healing — not just physical healing, but healing through the mind and through belief. Around that time, I found myself drawn back to listening to Joel Osteen. He often talks about prayer as an act of surrender — that when you pray, you give it to God, and from that point on, you thank God for the healing as if it’s already done.

I understood what he was saying. I understood the power of belief. But at the same time, I had lived another reality. I had watched my mother pray with the same faith, the same devotion — and it hadn’t worked for her. So while I believed in what Joel was teaching, I also knew there had to be more. I wanted to understand what was actually possible. I wanted to understand how people healed — and how people healed themselves.

That question stayed with me, especially because prayer had already been a part of my life. I had prayed for years to make spirits go away, and while it worked to an extent, it was never permanent. Things would quiet down, but they always came back. That told me something important: belief mattered — but belief alone wasn’t the whole answer.

That search pushed me into books, courses, and teachings far outside anything I had explored before. I read about self-healing, consciousness, and the mind, but much of it felt unreachable — too technical, too abstract. I couldn’t figure out how to actually apply what I was learning in real life.

I was also reminded of a book I had read years earlier, Talking with Heaven. James Van Praagh wrote about how his paranormal and psychic experiences, which began in childhood, gave him a sense of hope and understanding of God’s existence in a way that institutional Christianity never had. That stayed with me, because it reflected something I had felt but never had language for — that these experiences weren’t separate from spirituality, but another way of understanding it.

Around that same time, I started listening to people talk more openly about intuition, energy work, and mediumship. One story, in particular, stayed with me — how taking a Reiki course had opened awareness and created a sense of safety and protection for her.

She also mentioned a book she had read, Talking with Heaven. The moment she said the title, I felt a connection. I already knew that book. I had read it years earlier, and hearing it come up again felt intentional — like another thread leading back to the same place.

That was when I began to wonder if learning Reiki could help me too. Not as something new to become, but as a way to finally understand what I had already been living with — and to find a sense of protection instead of fear.

I was not trying to become something new — but to finally understand what I had been living with my whole life.

So I took a Reiki course.

And honestly, at first, I felt foolish.

I didn’t feel anything. It felt fake — like I was pretending something was happening when it wasn’t. I questioned myself constantly. I wondered if I was imagining things or forcing meaning where there was none.

At the same time, I was consuming everything I could — courses, teachings, mentors — always searching for answers. Eventually, I worked with a mentor who kept asking me the same question over and over:

Why are you afraid?

And that’s when I had to be honest with myself.

Earlier in my life, when things felt overwhelming and intrusive, the only way I knew how to cope was through prayer. I prayed for it to stop. To go away. To leave me alone.

But it never really did.

What prayer did was teach me how to shut everything down.
To push it away.
To stay guarded.
To survive by not engaging.

Even though I learned how to protect myself, the experiences never truly left — and neither did the fear.

So when my guides later came into my awareness — even though nothing about it felt threatening or wrong — that fear was still there. It was ingrained.

I wasn’t reacting to what was happening in that moment.

I was reacting to what I had already lived through.

Eventually, I decided I needed to stop avoiding the experience and actually meet it.

So I tried meditating.

That wasn’t easy for me. I have ADHD, and when you’ve spent your whole life being afraid of spirit, sitting quietly and opening yourself up takes a lot of courage.

I remember being very clear. I said,
“I’m not asking to see anything. I know you’re there. I just need confirmation. But I’m afraid to see you.”

And that’s when it happened.

The most loving hand I have ever felt came over my face — gently, calmly — like it was closing my eyes.

And yes… my guides have a sense of humor.

I actually said out loud,
“I don’t want you touching me either.”

But that was the confirmation.

What I was experiencing in that moment wasn’t something dark or harmful. It wasn’t a haunting. It was guidance.

In that moment, I knew I was safe. I knew the energy around me was positive. I knew I wasn’t being followed — I was being supported.

From that point on, the fear stopped leading the way.

As I continued exploring, I eventually found tarot — not as fortune telling, but as a way to communicate more clearly without getting stuck in my head. It gave me a language. A structure. A way to listen without forcing anything.

Over time, I learned that confirmation comes to me in two different ways.

When I’m asking questions or working through guidance, clarity arrives as what I call a light-bulb moment — that instant where everything clicks and I know I’ve landed on the right message.

And when I’m communicating with loved ones in spirit, the confirmation is physical. I get goosebumps throughout my entire body. That’s how I know the message is accurate and aligned.

Both are signs that I’m not overthinking — that I’m listening.

And every time I work with spirit, I set the same intention first:
that whatever comes through is guided by love, light, and the highest good.

Not what we want to hear.
But what we need to know.

But the reality is, I had always known I was different.

It is when the adults in your life don’t acknowledge it — when they don’t understand it or don’t want to admit it — you’re left trying to figure things out on your own.

You have nowhere to turn, no language for what you’re experiencing, and no guidance for how to protect yourself.

And before I go deeper into where I am now, I need to go back.

Because ignoring a child’s experiences doesn’t make them go away.
It just leaves that child alone with them.

That was and is my reality, people still try to turn into something negative.  This is why I feel it is relevant to get the truth out there and that I have the overwhelming feeling that I need to share this with as many people who listen. I have taken many other avenues to do this, and I just feel like social media algathrythems do not understand where to classify me, so I am getting to as many people as need to.  This why I decided that I need somewhere to tell my story, so lets go back to when it started.

I’m no longer reacting to what I lived through; I’m listening to what I’m being guided toward. Thank you for joining me on this journey of Becoming CarmaQuanTarot. We’ll continue the story next time. And remember: words are spells, energy is sacred, and intention is the magic.